I Don’t Understand. Why Now?

I Don’t Understand.

Why Now?

It’s like I’m trying to feel something.


I can’t even seem to manage a tear tonight when any other night it’s just too easy.

All that I can figure out is anger and rage.

Maybe it’s finally time.

To not be crying every night and just be pissed at the world again.

I honestly don’t know anymore.

Sometimes It’s All Just Too Much

I remember why I took a break from dating.Β My condition never really helped whenever I was in a relationship.Β I’d overreact and get upset over nothing or get insanely mad over the simplest things. Maybe I never really went out with the right person or it just wasn’t the right time for me.

For some unknown reason, it’s all different this time around. It could be that I’m older now or maybe because I’ve actually learned to love myself first before I can love anyone else.

The little things that used to bother me…. I couldn’t care less about.Β I know I deserve respect and honesty. Just like everyone else does. Basically… I’m falling andΒ I don’t remember ever being this happy in my life. It’s just nice knowing that someone actually cares for me.

Way Too Much


Falling asleep isn’t easy anymore

I keep thinking of you


Falling asleep is getting harder

Especially when I’m not with youΒ anymore


I’m going out of my mind

Wishing you were here with me


I wonder when I will see you again

Way too much


I’m trying to keep you off my mind

But I can’t right now

Or anytime for that matter.


Not sure if this is a problem or not.



Just because something wasn’t said… My reasoning was pretty shitty though. Who in their right mind would say something like that?

Oh right… Me.. I wasn’t medicated properly. But I can’t really blame it on that. That in fact was my fault as well. Oops.. Did I say it was my fault? Technically it was.

And still is..

See, I don’t want to take my medication because I want to feel normal. To actually feel some kind of emotion. But I’ve now just realized that when I do take my medication, it levels everything out. I seem “normal” compared to other peoples emotions.

This relationship is… I don’t know anymore. I’m fine one minute then the next I’m running out of the car trying to get to my room as fast as possible so no one sees me crying. Fuck emotions.

But I am actually In Love and I don’t think it will work. I’m too damaged. And I always will be. We need to talk. I need to figure this out. WE need to figure this out.

I know the walls I’ve built are coming down. This scares me so much. I’m terrified to let him in.

But I will. It’s for the best. I think. Just let go and be happy.Take a risk.